plant them where lol
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I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Writing, She Murdered.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Today’s Times
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Holy moly
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy