I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
He wanted to make sure😂
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Interior design 👌
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.