He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
sigh
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Merry Christmas
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.