(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
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It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?