If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
You Might Also Like
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
WTF IS THAT!
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….