I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.