The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
omg leave her alone