Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
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I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
*mops up wine with cat*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Life cycle of cat
Hot Hot Hot
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
B
A sick whale is called an unwhale
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?