An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
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deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
*jingles half the way*
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
good for her
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.