Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
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Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Mouse
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out