I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
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13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end