[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something