Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters