thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
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If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Roses are red
Violets are blue