me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
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‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.