I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.