‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
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[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )