Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
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There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Muppet Screams
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.