When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
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WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me