I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”