Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
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I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner