Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
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“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.