My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
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all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Are you ok, human???
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”