hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
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No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”