The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
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[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Not today
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower