When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
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I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Big Sex has us all fooled
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion