one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
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Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
2 years later
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Extremely relatable.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.