There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
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I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
For the orator and chef in all of us
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat