Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
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Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
This took me a second..
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.