Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*