U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
You Might Also Like
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Seek kebab; not attention
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.