My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed