“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
You Might Also Like
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.