The struggle is real
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Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers