I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
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Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.