If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.