is this a warning or an offer?
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Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Got ya covered