*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
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for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I am yelling
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
You better watch out