I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Just say no
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning