Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
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Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
A short story about romance.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded