Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
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ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Running from your problems is cardio .
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
2022 will be better than 2021
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.