saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
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I can’t be the only one 😂
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Not recommended for beginners.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.