13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
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I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.