I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
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her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
ATMs should have breathalyzers
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.