If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?