The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
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Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*