Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.