ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Do not steal food from the science building!
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont