My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
You Might Also Like
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
lol
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]