I learned about self care from watching my cat.
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I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.